Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

Soma anyone?

2006-12-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

Ch Ch Changes

2006-11-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

I quit my job
I booked a ticket to thailand and vietnam
I plan on doing this and this and this and then some

Queeeeenslanderrrrrrr

2006-11-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

How good is this bloke? He'd have to be one of the best players of all time!

A quick summary of his achievements this year alone:

1) Captains Brisbane Broncos to NRL Grand Final.
2) Captains Maroons to state of origin victory.
3) Captains Australia (but mostly a qld team) to a tri-nations victory over NZ's ALL Blacks.

This Shit Rocks Its Ass Offffffff

2006-11-23T21:05:00.000-08:00

If you're havin' trouble with your high school head
He's givin' you the blues
You wanna graduate but not in 'is bed [...but not in his debt]
Here's what you gotta do -Pick up the phone
I'm always home
Call me any time
Just ring36 24 36 hey [36 24 36 8]
I lead a life of crime

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap

You got problems in your life of love
You got a broken heart(She's) He's double dealin' with your best friend
That's when the teardrops start - fella
Pick up the phone
I'm here alone
Or make a social call
Come right in
Forget about him
We'll have ourselves a ball

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap

If you got a lady and you want her gone
But you ain't got the guts
She keeps naggin' at you night and day
Enough to drive you nuts -Pick up the phone
Leave her alone
It's time you made a stand
For a feeI'm happy to be
Your back door man

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Dirty Deeds and they're Done Dirt Cheap

Concrete shoes, cyanide, TNT
Done Dirt Cheap
Neckties, contracts, high voltage
Done Dirt Cheap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSBEq52sQ5g

Having a bad day?

2006-11-21T14:39:00.001-08:00

Whats worse than a monkey on your back?

2006-11-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

CAIRO, Egypt - An Egyptian baby born with two heads was in stable condition on Sunday after doctors at a provincial hospital removed one of the heads in a 13-hour operation, the doctors said.
Nasif Hifnawy, head of pediatrics at Benha Children’s Hospital, told Reuters that 10-month-old Manar Maged could move all four limbs and showed no signs of paralysis.
“Manar is now breathing normally and has a normal heartbeat and blood pressure,” he added. The baby remains in intensive care at the hospital, 25 miles north of Cairo, and doctors expect her to stay there for at least seven days.

Now apparently this conjoint twin (I always think of southpark) could blink etc but if they didnt give it the flick it would stress the heart out on the whole baby. Now that is some seriously weird shit. Like having a voice in your head but a head on your head instead I guess....

Dick Stickers

2006-11-01T21:17:00.000-08:00

From some news.com........

Australian underwear company aussieBum has released its Patriot range of undies for men wanting to make their package look bigger.

"It basically lifts, separates and extends," said aussieBum founder Sean Ashby.

"This design uses all of the natural assets of the person, whether they be big, small or indifferent."

The underwear features a 'wondercup', a pouch used to "separate and stop squashing".
The range was launched last week and already the company has sold more than 50,000 pairs in Australia and overseas.

AussieBum is manufactured in Australia with the business run completely out of the company's headquarters in the inner-west Sydney suburb of Leichhardt.

It had to happen eventually, women have been lying about whats underneath for years. I'm sure they call it the 'wonderbra' cos you wonder what happened to them when they take it off. I'm just so proud to live in the suburb they are manufactured...........

Ode to Lycra

2006-10-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Lycra, lets face it - it seems to be everywhere these days. It appears that its meteoric rise in modern society has outpaced perhaps the pragmatic need to regulate its use......after all it can be quite a dangerous little commodity in the wrong hands. We've all seen it and been witnesses to the aesthetic abuse this material can inflict.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying we should go so far as to legislate, over regulate or even ban the use of lycra through our legal system. Clearly that would be going to far, however I do think that manufacturers, retailers and end users of this product owe us a duty of care to use it in a manner that does not adversely affect others' quality of life.....

In order to satisfy the requirements of all stakeholders, whilst protecting ones rights to use this material in a safe and practical manner, we at STIYPASI would like your assistance in the drafting of an industry code of conduct for the safe and socially responsible use of lycra. I have had a stab at a few preliminary clauses:

Where possible lycra shall be worn with shorts over the top.
Lycra is not suitable work attire, EVER.
Manufacturing of lycra in larger sizes shall be banned.
Fines shall apply to all caught wearing lycra, without shorts over the top, found further than 2m from a bicycle.
Multi coloured lycra will only be available for professional sporting events.
Cafes will now introduce a lycra ban to stop those sweaty fat fucks that like to sit on Norton Street on saturday morning after a ride.....yes this is personal bitches, i cant digest my food because you make me sick.

You assistance in drafting this code will be greatly appreciated - STIYPASI management.

Mushroom loves YOU!

2006-10-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

2006-10-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

Just thought i'd share something really special with you people....

I love nothing more than to go for a run after work, in fact i love flogging myself running. Nothing feels better than to get home afterwards and bring the mind down the same flogged level. I know i am a sick sado-maso weirdo, but hey - whatever floats your boat right?

Anyway, the downside to all this running is that certain bits of the body rub together and cause a nasty little bit of chafe......aka saddle rash or 'john wayne' (howdy partner).

In this day and age, i decided that chemists must surely have something to help me with my predicament. So after some hesitation I finally plucked up the courage to visit the chemist over the road from work.

I was hoping no one that i knew would be in there, unfortunately the place was filled with familiar faces of those people you see around work and really only ever say 'Hi" to. After what seemed like an eternity, my place came at the counter. Sheepishly and quietly i explained my predicament to the pharmacist, hoping he would realise that discretion would be appreciated. This was not to be, and he bellowed the fatal "i've got just the thing for your nasty rash" at the top of his lungs and proceeded to the vaseline section. Then proudly he held aloft, for all to see, a giant jar of oozing and lovely petroleum jelly. By now all eyes were curiously on him and myself.

Just when I thougt it couldnt get any worse, with a full audience, he proceeded to demonstrate how to apply said vaseline to between ones legs.

So, if you saw a bloke shame facedly buying vaseline from the chemist the other day.....YES I LIKE TO PURCHASE VASELINE TO APPLY BETWEEN MY LEGS TO RELIEVE AN AFFLICTION RELATED TO SOMETHING I ENJOY.

That is all, you may snicker behind my back............

2006-10-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Location: Dodgy lane in Leichhardt near the house of shroom.
Time: Some time before midnight last night.
Item: Big ass empty nutella jar with spoon still inside.
Other features: Assorted rubbish including empty bug spray can and general dirt/weeds.

Now seriously, the spoon must be in there cos some beast ate through the whole jar and left it where they dined. Note, its a big ass jar. I walk down this lane a fair bit, should i be concerned?

No Flies on Mushroom

2006-10-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

You leave the house......well and truly stoned, slightly psychadelic. The weather outside is wonderful, nature is nice and you feel nice. Peter Tosh comes on the ipod and you feel an overwhelming sense that everything is alright. You start to strut, entering the local shopping centre....a tad bright a first you resist the urge for sun glasses. Nervous at first you remind yourself that no one else knows you are ripped, except probably the smoked out neighbours. People smile at you, really smile......i must be oozing charm tonight. Even the lady at the checkout is ultra friendly......it is shortly after this that you realise.......your fucking fly has been undone the whole time.

Glad i wasnt free snaking.....

Weapon of Mind Destruction

2006-09-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, I confess......I am actually Osama Bin Laden.....................

Uncle Mushroom's Hangover Cure

2006-09-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

I McShit you not - now available in McChicken and Fillet ohhh Fish........

Snakes on Planes

2006-09-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

(NOT FOR SENSITIVE STOMACHS)

The Snakes on a Plane marketing hype is already famously bigger than the movie itself.

What the studio & the producers have tried to keep a tightly guarded secretis the fact the movie is based on a real life incident from sometime in2003; and that this ridiculous movie nearly didn't make it to the bigscreen because of the sensitive nature of the ongoing investigation.

These previously unreleased pictures, which the movie is apparently based on, show a cargo plane being over run by actual snakes.

The report notesthat the freighter was not far from manila at the time.

If you thought the movie was a stretch you'll find this just plane disturbing!

Why We Arent Getting Married?

2006-09-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

From the back of a beer coaster:

"In ancient Babylon, a bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink for the month after the wedding. As mead is a honey beer and their calendar was based on a lunar year, this period became known as the 'honeymoon'."

And they wonder why men have committment troubles these days, just bring back the free beer....

Siphon the Python

2006-09-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

A 4.2-metre pet python crushed its owner to death, authorities said after finding the snake loose in a southern Indiana shed with the man's body.

Patrick Von Allmen, 23, was found last night in the shed near Lanesville, about 25 kilometres west of Louisville, Kentucky.

A medical examiner determined that the death was consistent with asphyxiation caused by compression of the neck and chest, said Conservation Officer Mark Farmer.

"When you're dealing with a wild animal species, you take on a certain amount of risk," he said.
Von Allmen had told family members he was going to treat the snake for a medical condition, Farmer said.

He was alone in the shed with the python for about three hours before his body was found.

Next time i go to the toilet i am gunna be much more careful........

Food for thought..

2006-08-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

If you were out late one night and really really stoned and everything was closed and the only thing you could munch down happened to be the edible underwear you were wearing would you eat it?

Guess who's back, mushrooms back...

2006-08-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

To the lady on Victoria Road earlier this week that decided that it would be wise to wee in their lunch box before getting on the bus, I thank you.

Ever since this incident I feel like i have undergone some sort of personal rennaissance of sorts. The details were brilliant, the fact that people were crowded around you oblivious to the fact that you had just pulled down you pants and were rummaging around in your bag for something. The fact that when the bus showed up you were midstream and decided to jettison said urine from lunchbox onto adjacent office window......I know there is a desk right there too. I dont know how you made it onto the bus with that lunch box but here's to you.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would witness such a spectacle on my journey from the building, normally its the same mundane routine. You see routine bores me, I like the unexpected to happen. It makes my day.

I was feeling beaten down by the oppression of responsibility and repetitiveness and then BANG you showed me that it can happen. You see anything can and will happen and it is only limited by our limited ability to conjur the unthinkable. The possibilities are in fact BOUNDLESS.

Piss lady, thankyou and good luck with your journey.

Donkey Boy?

2006-08-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

Around the world, as you read this, scientist are involved in ground breaking research unlocking the keys to our very nature and existence. For years Dr David Mitchell has been hacking away at the unknowns about...um...snicker.....penis size. Here's some of his findings:

"The curious thing about our society, most of the time we pretend that the penis doesn't shrink," says David Mitchell, a doctor and a medical anthropologist. "In fact, the penis doesn't have a set flaccid size. It's actually meaningless to measure the size of the penis because it varies from minute to minute according to the temperature and one's state of mind. The trouble is, if you get anxious, it only makes it smaller, to the point where it can disappear … in cases where anxiety spirals into a panic attack."

Dr Mitchell has researched a recent outbreak of these attacks — known as "shrinking penis disease" — on the Indonesian island of Flores, where black magic is widely practised. In these instances, the sufferer believes he will die if his penis disappears. The last outbreak in a modern society occurred in Singapore in 1962, following a rumour that eating pork vaccinated against swine fever would cause shrinking penis disease.

"There were people rushing through the streets holding their penises … some of them using chopsticks," Dr Mitchell says. "As soon as they hit the hospital and started to relax, they came back to normal."

Yeh so guys, if you are worried about your length or girth, DONT! It will shrivel up, disappear and you will DIE.

You heard it first here on STIYPASI..........

Identiskitz

2006-08-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

"Police have released an image of a man wanted after a cigarette was stubbed near the eye of a toddler in a Sydney street"

Does anyone actually look like the people that you see in these police identikits? Speak now or forever be um nasty looking........

'Software' Announcement

2006-07-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

Stoners Thoughts No 3.

2006-07-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of scare stories out there about the ultimate apocolypse of the world being brought about though war, religion, global warming etc. People tend to buy in based on their preferred flavour of dogma. But what if the end of the world doesnt so much come about as a bang, but rather a whimper?

Its common knowledge that fertility rates in the western world have been declining for quite some time. We are fatter (and good at justifying it), more stressed and ingest a heap more chemicals than we are sposed to. We are wealthier, which seems to be the biggest problem, which makes us unhealthier, makes contraception and abortion easier to access and we are more self centred. The list goes on and on and on................

So maybe rather than the world ending with a bang we just fade away, not able to replace ourselves at a rate to stop population decline. Well I sure wish that some sociological groups would.

What not to wear

2006-07-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction on the weekend. You see I am the extremely proud owner of a McShit T-shirt. The McShit shirt is up there with other alltime classics like the 'addihash', 'weedbok' and the classic 'Bill and Ben the flower pot men (and a little weed)' series.

Now I am not a complete nazi when it comes to maccas, sure they degrade the rainforest and exploit kids etc. But my real reason for not liking it is that the food is only digestable when drunk and the place is full of fat fuck 'low socio economics' and their snot nosed kids.

So anyway, on the weekend I am coming back from somewhere in the Gaba (Great Australian Bugger All) and the only place for a 'pit stop' is a highway maccas. And having two girls in the car you need to make a number of these pit stops. Apparently contrary to popular belief they are not two humped camels.

So the girls are in the dunny doing their McShit and I am sitting down inside confirming my suspicions that the place would be full of fat low breeds when i casually notice that people are looking at me. At first I put it down to stoned paranoia, but then realise that most of the restaurant is lookin at me.

I then realised that I had chosen to wear my McShit shirt that day.........

Local gets ripped

2006-07-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

This from the Sydney Morning Herald:

"An inner-western Sydney pub has been held up by a gang of armed men in the early hours of this morning.
Three masked men, one with a firearm and one with a knife entered the hotel on Marion Street, Leichhardt at about 1.15am (AEST), ordering staff and patrons to the ground.
Police said the offenders then forced their way into the rear office, stealing the contents of two cash registers and a staff member's handbag but were unable to gain access to the safes.
The men then fled in a stolen silver-coloured Subaru WRX being driven by a fourth person."

Well this pub seems to get robbed all the time by 'men of middle eastern appearance' in a WRX. Usually it seems to happen just after I leave. Its starting to get a bit suspect for me, my timing being impeccable.

But this time I have a solid alibi, I was at home with my bong and a Papa Guiseppe double pizza pack.

Hawww more engrish.

2006-07-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

Endangered Species Need Your Support

2006-07-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

For many years their sub culture was derided and as a shocking consequence their numbers have declined to dangerous levels. It seems like just yesterday they were in every suburb with their representatives proud and defiant of their appearance and lot in life. Recent studies have highlighted that their plight is at this very moment, desperate.

The name given to these socio-economic slackers varies. Bogans, bevans, westies, rednecks, white trash and chavs. The may wear different flannel, but all are descendants from the same tribe which can trace its roots back to the very begginings of society.

Nowadays they are rarely seen in inner city areas, their absence rarely noted. Ask yourself, when was the last time you saw a HQ panelvan with ACDC blaring out of it doing laps of your main street?

The decline of their species can be linked to the rapid urban renewal that has been forced upon many of their traditional habitats. In fact, the primary reason for their decline is strongly linked to a reduction in suitable habitat.

After an extensive study of remote bogan communities and a limited tag and release program, essential factors for their existence have been identified. It appears that in order for the bogan to survive, the following is necessary:

Substantial wrecking yards providing all panels and parts for 1971- 1979 Series Holden Kingswood and the VB-VN series of commodore.
VB cans. Not those bottled variety, the tend to injure each other with these and it rumoured that without the cans they do not get enough essential metal minerals in their diet.
Cheap housing with no plants in the front yard. Most bogans will keep a number of partially wrecked cars in their front yards, without this space they could not keep the torana going.
Free and ready supply of pluggers. The chosen footwear for the bogan has always been the rubber thong. Recent observations have noted that they have adapted to colder climates by wearing football socks with their beloved thongs.
A Centrelink. As most are employees of the state it is essential that a 'centrelink teller' is nearby.
Specialist hairdressing 'salons'. Contrary to popular belief a good mullet is hard to come by. Therefore specialists hairdressers (known as shazzas) are required to keep the top short and the back long. This assists with minor mechanical repairs to the Camira by stopping hair getting sucked into the fan belt.
A tattoo parlour. No self respecting bogan can survive their teens without becoming initiated with a few faded blue green splodges resembling either a sailors anchor, a dagger with a snake around it or a skull.

With protection of these basic essentials, I am certain that the decline of bogans in existing areas can be stopped. Next we have to encourage bogan culture back to areas where they are now extinct.

A number of Local Councils have started an initiative that has seen scores of boganfolk reappearing in my lovely suburb of Leichhardt. So next Council cleanup day, put as much broken furniture and rubbish on the footpath and sit back just out of view and wait for their return.

Pedophile or Serial Killer??

2006-07-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

Every Sperm Is Sacred

2006-07-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

Clownin Around

2006-07-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

So clowns - funny or freaky? Personally I have always loathed them. If you have to go to all that effort to look funny, you obviously arent. And plus they are renowned for showing up in public places and heckling - I call it harrassment.

Well it appears that I am am not alone in my dislike for these unfunny theatrical creations. There is even a pyschological condition for people that are genuinely scared shitless of them - Coulrophobic.

Now I dont know whats worse - clowns or those that genuinely fear them. Whilst I dislike them, I do not fear them and have been kicking them in the shins since I was a youngster.

So what are your experiences with clowns? Like or dislike?

Minogue Vs Minogue Slug Fest

2006-07-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today I would like to conduct a poll amongst my readers to determine precisely which Minogue sister is hotter. It has been a question that has plagued many and I intend to resolve once and for all by putting it to the people to decide.

So who is hotter?

Kylie???

Now be honest, hotness only and not singing ability. Cos we all know that Kylie wins that hands down.

State of the Origin

2006-07-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

State of origin has always been about where you were born and the pride you take in it. Queensland have always been the underdogs ($3.50 - 1 last night) but it appears last night we hit paydirt. And I hit apology paydirt from Chesty. If you could call it that.

The Leaders are the sun of the nation and mankind

2006-07-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Oh great leader I salute you as the sun of the nation and of mankind. Just as your national website suggests you are the sunshine of my love and a fashion icon, the likes of never seen since the capitalist whoring of Che's image.

Lets start with the eraserhead style haircut you are sporting. How it frames you round face and makes you look taller than the shortass that you really are. But why worry if you look like a douchebag with that do? Just force everyone else to get the same one.

That in combo with those platform shoes and the constant missile firing it is obvious you are far too manly to play soccer.

And what is that outfit you are constantly sporting? I can only really describe it as a kitsch maoist era leisure suit. Perfect for relaxing with a brandy or committing genocide amongst your people.

Ladies, Kim is quite clearly a catch. He is rumoured to already have sired a multitude of illegitemate children. So hands up girls, who finds him sexy?

Soccer is a Girly Sport

2006-07-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Your honour, the prosecution rests........

Bloke Back Mounting

2006-06-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

'I feel so gay after our victory tonight'

I've always loved to witness the spectacle and its myriad of camp poses. To this day I still have a giggle at the sports section every weekend as I pick out the 'gay shot' amongst the sporting news. Well apparently I am not alone in noticing the subtle irony of how sportsmen in their attempts to be oh so macho (please exclude The Champ from this argument) they end up looking oh so well...er......um......suspect. I refer you to a blatant cut from the Sydney Morning Herald:

" The AFL Players Association says its demand that a website take down its images of naked, and semi-naked, footballers was a privacy issue and not because the site was for gay footy fans.

Association president Brendan Gale said only a "small handful" of the hundreds of photographs of players in the picture gallery on the http://www.gayfooty.com.au website were deemed inappropriate. The site is quite an informative site actually, with chat and a various array of features," Mr Gale told ABC radio today."

Mr Gale, I am beginning to suspect that you arent that much of an AFL fan..............and only a "small handful" eh? I thought you wanted a meal. not a snack.

Du bist eine kranke Geschlechtlaune, die Großmütter liebt.

2006-06-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

I went fishing for sick fuckers a couple o posts back with a couple of real choice keywords. Basically the old site meter was telling me that my site was attracting weird people from ewww gross google searches. So I put out some bait and waited.

After some days sitting in the boat without a bite I finally got a nibble. You, yes you my german friend, are the most perverted person I have come across. You searched for grandmother porno right? Well please see above. I have numerous freeze dried versions of the granny above in a beef jerky like state ready to send to you. $100 bucks on paypal and the whole bunch is yours. Du brennst Ziegen durch mate.

The Brown Note

2006-06-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with some mates on the weekend about the existence of the mythical brown note. The brown note was featured in an episode of South Park as a sound that caused the entire earth to empty their bowels uncontrollably. In the show, this was referred to as "the Brown Noise". Funny shit huh? I know that was bad..........

So mythbusters did a bit of a test on the theory to see if it actually is true, but apparently to no avail. Myth busted apparently.

So if the mythbusters busted this myth and there is still chatter about it, maybe they didnt look deep enough. In fact, I postulate that there is more to it and they should have looked for 'brown songs' or 'brown artists' cause lets face it, there is plenty of music out there that gives me the shits.

Up In Smoke - How to Smoke Banana

2006-06-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

I had some povo person come looking here for 'how to smoke banana leaves'. What the?? Cant you afford some dope or even buy a beer you tightwad. I did a bit of searching round and it appears that there is heaps of stuff round on the internet regarding people smoking banana leaves.

I'd really like to encourage any dope out there to give it a go and get back to me with the results. Read no further if you are willing to give it a go. Go ahead hit the home button on your browser. See ya!

Right, now that the retards are gone how stupid is this eh? There is no way that smoking banana leaves will get you high, but it makes text look really small to read....

Slutty Red Pubes Ass and Tits and Free Images of Huge Saggy Lactating Boobs Of Your Grandmother Butt Cheeks

2006-06-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

Man i just totally love this site meter gadget. Not only can you have a competition with other slack bloggers about who has the most multi-cultural blog but you can actually see how people get to your website.

It appears of late that I have had a number of westerners entering my site from a google search. WOW. Google actually knows STIYPASI exists, even if I am way down on the list. But to make matters even more interesting you can see what search they put in to get to you.

So, within this site I imagined that there were a number of hard hitting topics that people would be looking for but to my confusion every single google search that directed people to my blog was for RED PUBES!

Woah eck. Are there people out there with some sort of red pube fetish? Sickos, hope they were totally miffed when they realised they had been led to an article slagging rednuts hahaha. So now I hope to attract the next wave of sickos to my site by including a whole number of unsavoury porno related words in the heading.

Lets see who can attract the most perverts to their site now huh? Game on. OMG, does the fact i strung these words together make me a sicko??

Porno or Art?

2006-06-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it that if you display a picture like that above in black and white it is considered art and not porno? If she was holding a dildo in the photo above would it be porno?

Hmmmmm, can of worms opened.........

Lady Fingers

2006-06-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Lets face it, there are a lot of girls that are shy about eating in front of people right? I really dont mind, being a guy its really not an issue. However, as a bloke (back me up here guys) you cant tell me that there isnt something a little amusing about watching a girl chow down on a banana right?

Girls, obviously you can pick up on this vibe and I am sure that you are sensitive to this well known fact. You have learnt to be more discrete with your banana devouring activities. To do you all a favour, let me run through the most commonly employed techniques:

The sliding of lips over end of peeled banana and subtle biting. Girls this just makes you look gentle and fuels our need to observe.
The bared teeth bite down. Ouch, do you notice guys cringing but strangely interested?
The cover your mouth as you bite technique. This IS NOT going to stop us looking.
The banana split. Hmm in the bowl cut in half and eaten with knife and fork. This may be the only true way to eat a banana in a non-erotic manner.
The run your tongue up the banana technique. Hmmm this is a relatively new technique, rarely seen in public and often on the top shelf of the DVD store or Fingers' old computer.

So girls, play it safe. If it aint split and in a bowl with creme, eat it in private.

Pina Colada Thanks Mate

2006-06-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the dude you've looked for, write to me, and escape.

Well in case you cant read sky writing, my birthday is coming up. Nothing screams birthday to me more than indulging in COCKTAILS! So today I have a bit of a quiz for you, see if you can name my favourite three cocktails below:

Hint: A REAL leg opener!

C'mon summer and umbrellas!

It aint a 'mary!

Thirsty Thursday Confession

2006-06-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

Speaka da english??

I have a confession to make, I have been keeping a naughty little tradition every thursday night for as long as I can remember. Its known as THURSTY THURSDAY, an event to be celebrated and feared alike.........

Its a pretty basic ritual actually, and doesnt involve any over complex or kinky ceremony. Basically when it comes to thursday I have had a gutful and decide to get a skinful with just about anything I can cram in my mouth. Lets just say that Friday mushroom (oops i nearly put my real name in there) doesnt agree with some of the decisions made by thursday mushroom. And lets face it, as a stakeholder he really should have a say in the matter.

So thursday mushroom would like to propose a toast. To the readers and to friday mushroom, may the excesses of THURSTY THURSDAY be well and truly worth the sentence imposed on friday mushroom. Even if he is not guilty.

That Foamy Ole Dome

2006-05-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

Mandatory OH&S requirement

Humans are a fascinating creature, descended from single cell in and out creatures we have evolved into the highly specialised species that we are today (Homus peopleus). One of the key traits to our survival and dominance in such variable environments is the ability to create tools necessary for survival.

May i point you now to the obvious genius of the invention above, the foam dome. Sure we invented the wheel and then some point later we invented beer but surely this little invention takes the cake. Not only do you not have to hold two beers, but you can fit two beers into the one mouth. Now that is evolution Mr Darwin.

I'm A Stadium Rock Star!

2006-05-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

The Usual Crowd of STIYPASI lurkers................................

I never realised how many people from all over the 'sphere actually read this blog. Up til now i thought it was just a couple of my mates and the odd cross dressing serial killer (dont leave, we do need you here cuthbert).

Then i was urged by one of my nosier friends (you know who you are without hyperlinking) to get a site meter attached to this page. Well my lord. Apart from a few of you being quite obsessive compulsive i found a number of other lurkers from over the world and even my beloved Leichhardt logging on. Go on, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the site meter. It'll blow ya mind who looks at me while i'm getting changed.

To all you lurkers, even though you are invisible i need you. I wouldnt be able to be a exhibitionist without you voyeurs. But please, leave me a comment. Freak me out. Be nasty, be nice but for fucks sake dont be silent. I may even follow you back to your blogs or accept an email to ryans_mailbox_is@hotmail.com.

Wow, now that is game huh? Or just plain stoopid.......................

Mushy's Believe it, OR NOT!

2006-05-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

Mushroom asks of banana peels - slippery or not??

I've decided to go all myth busting for this piece, cos you know i like to tackle the big issues on this blog. As these lovely little fruit wrappers slippery or not?? Well if you would believe numerous cartoons that have covered the topic in their own light hearted manner you'd say YES! But really, have any of you out there ever known of anyone who has actually tripped on a banana peel? Well i for one havent.

In the interests of science, i purchased an overprived cavendish banana today and attempted to debunk this myth. I placed it on the ground and in my lovely slippery designer shoes attempted to slip and slide on the the peel til i crashed down on my ass. After serveral attempts I can assure you that while banana peels may appear slippery, they are definitely NOT! So there you have it, cutting edge science on a bullshit blog. Bye for now........

Shrinkage

2006-05-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Right, we've all suffered from this phenomena at some point in time. Normally it wouldnt be an issue, yeh if only i wasnt caught in the change room/naked in front of a hot girl etc etc. I know men dont like to workshop their issues as much as women do, but I would seriously like my blog to become a forum for us men to openly and frankly discuss them.

Dont be ashamed of shrinkage guys, its not a true reflection of the man you are! There are ways to overcome this terrible, terrible occurrence. We just need to share our own personal tips. So cmon guys, share away. Personally i like to give it a little 'warm up'' before leaving the ocean..........

The 7 Visible Signs of Aging

2006-05-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Too many 'free radicals' can age you prematurely

I'm pushing the big hawaii three-oh this year and as such have started to notice the multitude of advertising aimed at us old bastards, and surprisingly and increasingly at blokes. Apparently Oil of Ogay have come up with a product that can fight the seven signs of aging. And to think that I thought there was only one, getting older??!!

Well here it is, the seven signs of aging:

An increase in nasal follicle activity. I remember fondly the first time I had to trim them but am now seriously considering dreadlocking them or buying a nose trellis.
Spare tyres. Who says these are just for cars? Never know when you'll get a flat eh.
Receding hair lines. I like to think of this as more of a 'hair exchange program', nothing like the life skills that temple hair can get by spending some time on your back or belly button. The trouble seems to be they always overstay their visa.
School kids relinquish their seats on the bus. OMG, do I look like a fucking cripple you little turdface?
I dont get asked for ID at pubs and clubs anymore. I put this down to the relative level of fame that I have achieved over the years.
Sick days at work are only taken when you physically cant get to work. And to think when I started working I would schedule one in every 1.5 months to the day.
Increasing pressure from relatives to marry and breed. Godamn, I moved to Sydney to get away from you and your pressures. One more word and I swear I will cut off my testicles and mutilate my face. Lets see it happen then eh?

In fact, I've really just gotten started. There must be heaps more than 7 signs. Over to you now, got any more??

Red Hair, Bad Luck. Red Pubes, No F@#$

2006-05-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

Only your dog should be called Blue

Now let me just say that I am confining this topic purely to guys, and that it has nothing to do with girls that have recently dyed their hair red. Why is it that the poor little red haired freckly kid always cops it? They are cute as the snotty nosed kids on ads but really any older than 12 and they are seen as some sort of genetic nightmare. In fact, there are lots of us out there that argue that this hideous gene should be removed from the genetic pool entirely. Maybe if people just followed the title of this article, Darwinian controls would assert themselves and those freckly beasts would disappear forever.

Well no apparently. Some of us seem to be carrying this horrible gene, laying dormant within our genetic makeup until we shag someone else who also has the dormant gene. This never crossed my mind, until I decided to grow a bit of a beard of late. To my horror, I noticed in certain lighting I may be harbouring a minor rednut gene dormant somewhere whithin my lower cranial genetic material.

Therefore, in the interests of humanity I promise never to breed in an attempt to rid the planet of this scourge. Its not an entirely selfish thing, think of those poor kiddies destined to be teased and 40yo virgins. It cant be fun. I guess sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...............

Well FCUK Moi!

2006-05-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Well there you have it, and I remember thinking FCUK was slightly amusing when it first came out (and until every fuckwit started wearing it) but little did I know that it might be un-pc to those dodos that read stuff spelt the wrong way.

Dressing Mutton as Lamb

2006-05-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

Well we have all heard the saying right? Dressing up mutton as lamb. Well for starters, what the hell is mutton anyway? So I asked a kiwi mate because if anyone had cause to dress something up as a sheep it would be them. Ahhh I see, mutton is actually a bird:

Right, so now the obvious question is: How the fuck do you dress up mutton to look like this:

Well???? Any takers?

Easy Peasy Japanesy

2006-05-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

'Last stop before slumbersville, alll aboaarrrddd!'

Here is another great invention by those innovative little japanese folk. What with the long train rides I'm sure they have to endure to get home to their little shoe boxes this may really come in handy catching up on some sleep after their 14hr day in the orifice. All great in theory perhaps?? But arent those little fellas known for groping their lovely and sweet small beautiful women on the trains? I have a mate who lived over there who is probably the same height as them, maybe he can enlighten us as to the groping. Anyway my question is, if they really are as gropey and pervy on the trains as I have heard, isnt inventing a device that lets you sleep whilst holding your head at crotch height a little dangerous??

Unhealthy Body Images

2006-05-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

Freddie Ljungberg - Every Tom, Dick and Harry?

There has been a lot of talk over the years about 'unhealthy body images', especially amongst the female modelling community. I for one never expected it to really become an issue for men until I found myself approaching 30. Now none of the *snicker* male fashion mags I flip through have men with bodies like mine. This is clearly very dangerous and unhealthy. I would like to start a movement (support me here guys and gals) to push for more healthy male images to be mixed in with the clearly unhealthy example above. I will start with a 'plus size' modelling agency for men. The bloke below is clearly more natural and will form a template for future applicants:

A more 'healthy' male body image

You see, I really find it dangerous and disturbing that millions of young men all over Australia force themselves to eat fresh fruit and vegetables and visit the gym regularly all to emulate the 'unnatural' body images of male models. Clearly a healthy male would be more accustomed to BBQ's, beer, armchair sports and a more rounded physique?

Adopt A Road

2006-04-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

Ever seen one of these lovely little signs. Well I sure have and I think they are just super! I've always wondered why everyone who adopts a roads seems to do perfectly nerdy things with them like cleaning up litter. With the new focus on fixing NSW's transport infrastructure I'm actually keen to jump on the bandwagon and secure a public asset of my very own. Hmmmm what to do with said road:

Set up my own e-tag toll road and wait for the moolah to start rolling by
Cordon it off and hold my own Mardi Gras
Play frogger
Find out what happened when the chicken crosses it
Get one with a bridge and get my very own troll
Dig a punji stake pit and cover it over

Any ideas? I am currently canvassing for potential business partners.........

Fatty Boomsticks

2006-04-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

"I once ate a horse.....really!"

I confess, I have been watching snippets of the weight loss reality TV show Australia's Biggest Loser. I dunno what it is, but there is something mildly interesting in watching these fatties battle it out to lose the most of themselves and help themselves to $200k in moolah. Maybe it is the voyeuristic pleasure of watching fatties atone for their culinary sins, or the fact that they seem to cry every other second of the program. These people were big as the initial weigh in showed. Mostly in the over 150kgs department.

Anyway, at the end of the day they present them all on stage as their thin new selves and the only thing that crossed my mind was 'who the hell is that fat lady with the mike??'. Turns out it is the presenter, go figure?? You'd think they'd have a lollipop sized lady to rub it in huh? Well, she was big enough to be a contestant! Like chewbacca living with the ewoks on endor - IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

Over and out..................

Teachers Pet

2006-04-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

I was reading the SMH this morning and came across this story from seppo land about this lovely teacher above romancing with a student. And while she was on charge for sending him nude pics and videos of herself. She got 9 months for the first offence, a piddly amount compared to if a male teacher did it to a girl (or worse still a male student).

Personally i look at her and cant help but think good onya son! But having said that, what is it about society and the judicial system that seems to punish men heaps harder for the same offence? Hmmmm.........

Make Poverty History

2006-04-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

Living in Poverty Can Be Testing.......

I went out on the lovely Sydney Harbour fishing with a friend of mine on the weekend. So much money out there, everyone seems to have a 10 million dollar house and a collection of boats to go with it. Damn my parents for not being born rich.

Anyway, whilst out on the water we manageed to catch sight of a lovely 'little' vessel similar to the one above. Plastered in big writing on the side was 'Make Poverty History', which apparently was the name of this beaut status symbol.

Talk about hipocritical huh? Well maybe not, poverty had obviously been made history for that particular family.

The Year My Seal Broke

2006-04-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

"Owt Owt Owt"

No my canadian friend, this article is not about you but you may have experienced this? For decades booze scientists have referred to this abnormal phenomena as breaking the seal or fatal first piss (FFP). I'm sure we've all experienced it, your out for a night on the booze and have put away 6 or so drinks and decide to trot off to shake hands with the casually employed. Then next thing you know, you're doing it every drink!

What gives with it? Is there a cure or some way of managing this curious problem? I put it out there to the scientific community to help me. And make it quick, its a long weekend this weekend and with long urinal queues expected I'm gunna need some help...........

Cold Spoontacular.............

2006-04-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe Uri Geller could bend it back down?

Ever heard of a cold spoon being used to, um..... er....... well reduce male appetite for the fairer sex?? I'm sure you have you pervert! Well like most, I have heard of it but never really thought about the mechanics of the whole process. Until now, when I have nothing else to post on this blog.

So I did a bit of research on the net and to my astonishment there was nothing! Not even on my trusty friend wikipedia! So where exactly has this saying/urban myth come from? How does it work? Lifes big questions examined daily on this hard hitting blog, but, today no answers...................thats where you the reader comes in.

I need help (snigger), how does it work?? I dont care if you dunno, just have a half assed guessed. We'll get to the bottom of this.

OK, just so you dont get all self conscious I'll even start with the theorising. It definitely doesn't relate to the type of spoon below, as even in the cold I'm sure this produced the opposite effect:

I'll even donate a spoon to the best guess, but you'll have to cool it yaself you pervert...........

Chic Ho Rolls

2006-04-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

"Chicken Licken Good?"

OH MY GOD. How long has it been since you've seen or tasted one of these suckers? I thought maybe they had become extinct or something but lo and behold i saw someone in the orifice chowing down on one of these babies for lunch. In terms of culinary quality you'd have to put them in the same ranks as the good ole fisho's dim sum? Also include the battered sav for good measure.

But really, the question of importance one must ask is 'what the hell is really in a chiko roll?'. Well i asked the dude eating it and all i got was a mumbled 'fucks me?'. Really i cant help myself, i had to investigate.........here is a pic of the insides of one of these little babies:

What is the sound of one hand clapping? And WTF is in a chiko roll?

Any guesses? I can verify that there is carrot, cabbage and other UFO's (Unidentified Food Objects). I spose that the Chik in chiko has to be referring to some finger licken chicken by product? ahhhh............food for thought isnt it?

Mother superior jumped the gun..........

2006-04-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

Happiness is a warm gun

When I hold you in my arms

And I feel my finger on your trigger

I know no one can do me no harm

Because happiness is a warm gun

Yes it is.

You see, I've never been a fan of killing people just killing time. OK I confess, I may have roasted a few ants with a magnifying glass as a kid. But in my trawls of the seedy underbelling of the internet I may just have come across the cure for war and other gun related violence. Imagine if every gun came equipped with one of these huh? Natures own safety trigger, it has to be smoked before you can pull the real trigger. I gotsta patent this sucker before peace loving hippies the world over get onto it and make themselves a fortune off it (and turn themselves into yuppies).

Nothing here and plenty of it...........

2006-04-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Well that started with a bang huh? I didnt even have to write anything to receive sympathy posts from you people. I might just keep it going with more posts about nothing.

You see eventually, nothing WILL send you mad. I have proof right here.

Sensory deprivation - Looks like bondage but not as fun?

So keep coming back, this place is like a sensory deprivation blog lets face it.

2006-04-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

Um testing, testing hello....over.??!!??