Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Endangered Species Need Your Support

For many years their sub culture was derided and as a shocking consequence their numbers have declined to dangerous levels. It seems like just yesterday they were in every suburb with their representatives proud and defiant of their appearance and lot in life. Recent studies have highlighted that their plight is at this very moment, desperate.
The name given to these socio-economic slackers varies. Bogans, bevans, westies, rednecks, white trash and chavs. The may wear different flannel, but all are descendants from the same tribe which can trace its roots back to the very begginings of society.
Nowadays they are rarely seen in inner city areas, their absence rarely noted. Ask yourself, when was the last time you saw a HQ panelvan with ACDC blaring out of it doing laps of your main street?
The decline of their species can be linked to the rapid urban renewal that has been forced upon many of their traditional habitats. In fact, the primary reason for their decline is strongly linked to a reduction in suitable habitat.
After an extensive study of remote bogan communities and a limited tag and release program, essential factors for their existence have been identified. It appears that in order for the bogan to survive, the following is necessary:
  1. Substantial wrecking yards providing all panels and parts for 1971- 1979 Series Holden Kingswood and the VB-VN series of commodore.
  2. VB cans. Not those bottled variety, the tend to injure each other with these and it rumoured that without the cans they do not get enough essential metal minerals in their diet.
  3. Cheap housing with no plants in the front yard. Most bogans will keep a number of partially wrecked cars in their front yards, without this space they could not keep the torana going.
  4. Free and ready supply of pluggers. The chosen footwear for the bogan has always been the rubber thong. Recent observations have noted that they have adapted to colder climates by wearing football socks with their beloved thongs.
  5. A Centrelink. As most are employees of the state it is essential that a 'centrelink teller' is nearby.
  6. Specialist hairdressing 'salons'. Contrary to popular belief a good mullet is hard to come by. Therefore specialists hairdressers (known as shazzas) are required to keep the top short and the back long. This assists with minor mechanical repairs to the Camira by stopping hair getting sucked into the fan belt.
  7. A tattoo parlour. No self respecting bogan can survive their teens without becoming initiated with a few faded blue green splodges resembling either a sailors anchor, a dagger with a snake around it or a skull.

With protection of these basic essentials, I am certain that the decline of bogans in existing areas can be stopped. Next we have to encourage bogan culture back to areas where they are now extinct.

A number of Local Councils have started an initiative that has seen scores of boganfolk reappearing in my lovely suburb of Leichhardt. So next Council cleanup day, put as much broken furniture and rubbish on the footpath and sit back just out of view and wait for their return.

21 Comments:

  • I don't think they are endangered they have just evolved.

    The species I see near me in Melbourne is known by their extremely pointless attachments on their cars (spoilers, side things, undercar lighting, very large stereos). Also spotted through their abiding interest in dragging people off at the lights, hanging around the local McDonalds carpark and going to the local bar with pokies and gee gees to bet.

    By Blogger killerrabbit, at 10:57 PM  

  • Last year alone, more than 50 bogans died immediately after uttering the phrase "Hey, watch this..."...

    By Blogger fingers, at 11:14 PM  

  • LMAO! OMG!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOO Funny!

    You know you're a bogan if the value of your car fluctuates on the volume of petrol in the tank!


    Have you heard the new term 'CUB's'? Cashed Up Bogans

    By Blogger Miss Natalie, at 11:38 PM  

  • Very nicely done, shrooms.

    I have to admit, I have a soft spot for bogans (I was actually going to write about it, but you stole my idea ...) I think it's the westie in me ...

    We westies all have a bit of inner bogan somewhere. Some of us fight against it and become wankers, but I am happy to embrace it if it means keeping the bogan dream alive.

    By Blogger Chesty LaRue, at 11:57 PM  

  • Hey where did you find that old photo of fingers and his squeeze?

    By Blogger welcome to wallyworld, at 2:41 AM  

  • I love the smell of 2 stroke in the morning.......smells like yamaha rz500

    By Blogger mushroom, at 2:52 AM  

  • Oh dear, I guess everyone with their gunshots went a little crazy on Bogan season. I for one am glad alot of these little bogan rodents are being killed off. It makes the rare occassion that you do see a bogan more special.

    By Blogger Alice, at 3:45 AM  

  • I'm hiding a whole bunch of them in my back yard...

    By Blogger Mone, at 6:33 AM  

  • You know, living in Georgia it's hard to believe that some areas of the world don't have the respect for this species like we do in the Southern US. *sigh* Truly a tragedy.

    By Blogger Anita, at 6:52 AM  

  • The picture yields a couple clues as to the demise or endangerment of the bogan subspecies:

    1) The impossibly huge jar of lube--which must have been purchased wholesale--is usually used for penetration of a non-reproductive oriface.

    2) The cookie on the bedsheet--albeit, arguendo, "classily" displayed on a paper plate--is not the most visually aphrodisical image. And this guy needs all the help he can get.

    3) The hole in the ozone layer, and the lemming-like need of the bogan to wear the visor facing backwards has almost eradicated the species due to excessive deadly UVA ray exposure.

    4) The absence of a tin of flour on the bedstand will hamper this bogan's ability to "roll her in it, then find a wet spot" and he may mistakenly penetrate one of the many rolls of fat on the boganette, rendering proliferation of the species nearly impossible.

    Solution?

    San Diego has a really nice zoo. Let's try to preserve one of the few remaining members of this species, so that future generations can enjoy them in their natural habitat.

    Which would be the makeshift wooden porch outside an Airstream trailer, with two dead cats decomposing under it.

    By Blogger Zen Wizard, at 11:25 AM  

  • oh my god.

    By Blogger essa, at 11:32 AM  

  • But if we get rid of all the bogans/westies...who's going re-spray your car next time it's in a bingle...

    By Blogger fingers, at 4:16 PM  

  • They dont respray, the just put a different coloured panel on eh?

    By Blogger mushroom, at 6:26 PM  

  • LMAO! Comedy gold. I'm gonna find me a bogan and hide him away like a collectors item. He may be worth something in the future.

    By Blogger Steph, at 7:21 PM  

  • Gotcha , known as pikies in the UK , the pikey mother is oft seen screetching at her vile offspring 'Chardonay your really fucking showing me up now'.......

    By Blogger BEAST, at 1:50 AM  

  • Also know in the UK as chavs... Dubai is fast becoming an el cheapo package holiday haven for chavs in their fake Von Dutch tracksuits and fake Burberry caps. On the upside they never go to any of the cool bars or restaurants. They just infest the malls and fry themselves to a crisp on the beach even in the insane heat that'll be with us until September. Disturbingly I saw a pasty, acne-ridden Pom wandering one of the malls yesterday in a chav baseball cap and a dishdash - the long white overshirt local men wear here...

    By Blogger Georgia, at 3:04 AM  

  • holy crap... pikies (i've heard that one before, although)... chavs... bogan... dingles... we just call them white trash.

    By Blogger essa, at 8:43 PM  

  • I think there are a different sort, where they dont have a car and they walk every where (never drive) with their kids (who, I might add, are only about 13 years younger then their parents) yelling at each other while waiting for their free visit to the doctors.

    But then again, most of the public high schools are full of them now.

    Maybe thats where they are hiding?

    By Blogger evil genius, at 8:03 PM  

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