Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The 7 Visible Signs of Aging

Too many 'free radicals' can age you prematurely

I'm pushing the big hawaii three-oh this year and as such have started to notice the multitude of advertising aimed at us old bastards, and surprisingly and increasingly at blokes. Apparently Oil of Ogay have come up with a product that can fight the seven signs of aging. And to think that I thought there was only one, getting older??!!

Well here it is, the seven signs of aging:
  1. An increase in nasal follicle activity. I remember fondly the first time I had to trim them but am now seriously considering dreadlocking them or buying a nose trellis.
  2. Spare tyres. Who says these are just for cars? Never know when you'll get a flat eh.
  3. Receding hair lines. I like to think of this as more of a 'hair exchange program', nothing like the life skills that temple hair can get by spending some time on your back or belly button. The trouble seems to be they always overstay their visa.
  4. School kids relinquish their seats on the bus. OMG, do I look like a fucking cripple you little turdface?
  5. I dont get asked for ID at pubs and clubs anymore. I put this down to the relative level of fame that I have achieved over the years.
  6. Sick days at work are only taken when you physically cant get to work. And to think when I started working I would schedule one in every 1.5 months to the day.
  7. Increasing pressure from relatives to marry and breed. Godamn, I moved to Sydney to get away from you and your pressures. One more word and I swear I will cut off my testicles and mutilate my face. Lets see it happen then eh?

In fact, I've really just gotten started. There must be heaps more than 7 signs. Over to you now, got any more??


  • Yeah, I'll tell you when you know you're old, you pip-squeak little cunt.
    You get the shits with panic-stricken fuckers about to turn 30, who've just noticed their first grey pube...

    By Blogger fingers, at 4:07 PM  

  • Do they have Grecian 2000 for pubes, fingers?

    By Blogger actonb, at 4:42 PM  

  • is that like grey away for the ball sack?

    By Blogger mushroom, at 4:46 PM  

  • Yes, but remove them from between your teeth first, coz the stuff tastes awful, Smart Ass...

    By Blogger fingers, at 4:47 PM  

  • school kids arent meant to be sitting on the seats in the bus anyway. little fuckers...

    By Blogger Mex, at 5:03 PM  

  • You probably keep getting on the local school special each morning, you dopey drunken trollop...

    By Blogger fingers, at 5:06 PM  

  • yeah and when i get on i dont flash my concession card to the bus driver, i flash something else and he lets me ride for free.

    By Blogger Mex, at 5:13 PM  

  • He probably just says 'Sorry, I can't make change for that...have you got anything smaller'...

    By Blogger fingers, at 5:25 PM  

  • I'd love to see the look on the ticket inspectors face when you show him ya pass

    By Blogger mushroom, at 6:35 PM  

  • I have one...for some reason the funky haircuts that you used to get make you look a little like a deranged art teacher!

    By Blogger killerrabbit, at 10:59 PM  

  • Shitbag 16-year-olds McSlaves call you 'Madam' (or 'Sir' if you're a guy ...)

    By Blogger Chesty LaRue, at 11:03 PM  

  • OMG they always call me madam. *mental note: stop going to maccas in drag*

    By Blogger mushroom, at 11:19 PM  

  • *off topic* my email to you bounced ... I've given up.

    *on topic* The worst sign of ageing is 'in-my-day' ism. And owning no CDs recorded this millenium.

    By Blogger Chesty LaRue, at 11:22 PM  

  • It freaks me out everytime I'm checkin' thoses kids ID at the club each week and see they were born in 1988. I can remember what I was doing in 1988!

    Oh god, I've become one of those "panic-stricken fuckers".

    (Guess who'll be drinkin the bar dry on the 24th of June)

    By Blogger Sympho, at 11:45 PM  

  • Holy shit.

    People born in 1988 can drink now?

    So wrong.

    By Blogger Chesty LaRue, at 11:58 PM  

  • Mushroom, at 30 you panic thinking you're no longer young. At 40 you panic that you'll never "score" again, at 50 you thank fuck you're still alive after all the stupid things you did when you were younger, at 60 I think it'll be a case of WTF I'm still here?

    By Blogger welcome to wallyworld, at 12:47 AM  

  • This blog never updates :-)

    By Blogger killerrabbit, at 6:00 PM  

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