Ode to Lycra

Lycra, lets face it - it seems to be everywhere these days. It appears that its meteoric rise in modern society has outpaced perhaps the pragmatic need to regulate its use......after all it can be quite a dangerous little commodity in the wrong hands. We've all seen it and been witnesses to the aesthetic abuse this material can inflict.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying we should go so far as to legislate, over regulate or even ban the use of lycra through our legal system. Clearly that would be going to far, however I do think that manufacturers, retailers and end users of this product owe us a duty of care to use it in a manner that does not adversely affect others' quality of life.....

In order to satisfy the requirements of all stakeholders, whilst protecting ones rights to use this material in a safe and practical manner, we at STIYPASI would like your assistance in the drafting of an industry code of conduct for the safe and socially responsible use of lycra. I have had a stab at a few preliminary clauses:

1. Where possible lycra shall be worn with shorts over the top.
2. Lycra is not suitable work attire, EVER.
3. Manufacturing of lycra in larger sizes shall be banned.
4. Fines shall apply to all caught wearing lycra, without shorts over the top, found further than 2m from a bicycle.
5. Multi coloured lycra will only be available for professional sporting events.
6. Cafes will now introduce a lycra ban to stop those sweaty fat fucks that like to sit on Norton Street on saturday morning after a ride.....yes this is personal bitches, i cant digest my food because you make me sick.

You assistance in drafting this code will be greatly appreciated - STIYPASI management.

Mushroom loves YOU!

Just thought i'd share something really special with you people....

I love nothing more than to go for a run after work, in fact i love flogging myself running. Nothing feels better than to get home afterwards and bring the mind down the same flogged level. I know i am a sick sado-maso weirdo, but hey - whatever floats your boat right?

Anyway, the downside to all this running is that certain bits of the body rub together and cause a nasty little bit of chafe......aka saddle rash or 'john wayne' (howdy partner).

In this day and age, i decided that chemists must surely have something to help me with my predicament. So after some hesitation I finally plucked up the courage to visit the chemist over the road from work.

I was hoping no one that i knew would be in there, unfortunately the place was filled with familiar faces of those people you see around work and really only ever say 'Hi" to. After what seemed like an eternity, my place came at the counter. Sheepishly and quietly i explained my predicament to the pharmacist, hoping he would realise that discretion would be appreciated. This was not to be, and he bellowed the fatal "i've got just the thing for your nasty rash" at the top of his lungs and proceeded to the vaseline section. Then proudly he held aloft, for all to see, a giant jar of oozing and lovely petroleum jelly. By now all eyes were curiously on him and myself.

Just when I thougt it couldnt get any worse, with a full audience, he proceeded to demonstrate how to apply said vaseline to between ones legs.

So, if you saw a bloke shame facedly buying vaseline from the chemist the other day.....YES I LIKE TO PURCHASE VASELINE TO APPLY BETWEEN MY LEGS TO RELIEVE AN AFFLICTION RELATED TO SOMETHING I ENJOY.

That is all, you may snicker behind my back............

Location: Dodgy lane in Leichhardt near the house of shroom.
Time: Some time before midnight last night.
Item: Big ass empty nutella jar with spoon still inside.
Other features: Assorted rubbish including empty bug spray can and general dirt/weeds.

Now seriously, the spoon must be in there cos some beast ate through the whole jar and left it where they dined. Note, its a big ass jar. I walk down this lane a fair bit, should i be concerned?

No Flies on Mushroom

You leave the house......well and truly stoned, slightly psychadelic. The weather outside is wonderful, nature is nice and you feel nice. Peter Tosh comes on the ipod and you feel an overwhelming sense that everything is alright. You start to strut, entering the local shopping centre....a tad bright a first you resist the urge for sun glasses. Nervous at first you remind yourself that no one else knows you are ripped, except probably the smoked out neighbours. People smile at you, really smile......i must be oozing charm tonight. Even the lady at the checkout is ultra friendly......it is shortly after this that you realise.......your fucking fly has been undone the whole time.

Glad i wasnt free snaking.....