'Software' Announcement

Stoners Thoughts No 3.

There are a lot of scare stories out there about the ultimate apocolypse of the world being brought about though war, religion, global warming etc. People tend to buy in based on their preferred flavour of dogma. But what if the end of the world doesnt so much come about as a bang, but rather a whimper?

Its common knowledge that fertility rates in the western world have been declining for quite some time. We are fatter (and good at justifying it), more stressed and ingest a heap more chemicals than we are sposed to. We are wealthier, which seems to be the biggest problem, which makes us unhealthier, makes contraception and abortion easier to access and we are more self centred. The list goes on and on and on................

So maybe rather than the world ending with a bang we just fade away, not able to replace ourselves at a rate to stop population decline. Well I sure wish that some sociological groups would.

What not to wear

I had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction on the weekend. You see I am the extremely proud owner of a McShit T-shirt. The McShit shirt is up there with other alltime classics like the 'addihash', 'weedbok' and the classic 'Bill and Ben the flower pot men (and a little weed)' series.

Now I am not a complete nazi when it comes to maccas, sure they degrade the rainforest and exploit kids etc. But my real reason for not liking it is that the food is only digestable when drunk and the place is full of fat fuck 'low socio economics' and their snot nosed kids.

So anyway, on the weekend I am coming back from somewhere in the Gaba (Great Australian Bugger All) and the only place for a 'pit stop' is a highway maccas. And having two girls in the car you need to make a number of these pit stops. Apparently contrary to popular belief they are not two humped camels.

So the girls are in the dunny doing their McShit and I am sitting down inside confirming my suspicions that the place would be full of fat low breeds when i casually notice that people are looking at me. At first I put it down to stoned paranoia, but then realise that most of the restaurant is lookin at me.

I then realised that I had chosen to wear my McShit shirt that day.........

Local gets ripped

This from the Sydney Morning Herald:

"An inner-western Sydney pub has been held up by a gang of armed men in the early hours of this morning.
Three masked men, one with a firearm and one with a knife entered the hotel on Marion Street, Leichhardt at about 1.15am (AEST), ordering staff and patrons to the ground.
Police said the offenders then forced their way into the rear office, stealing the contents of two cash registers and a staff member's handbag but were unable to gain access to the safes.
The men then fled in a stolen silver-coloured Subaru WRX being driven by a fourth person."

Well this pub seems to get robbed all the time by 'men of middle eastern appearance' in a WRX. Usually it seems to happen just after I leave. Its starting to get a bit suspect for me, my timing being impeccable.

But this time I have a solid alibi, I was at home with my bong and a Papa Guiseppe double pizza pack.

Hawww more engrish.

Endangered Species Need Your Support

For many years their sub culture was derided and as a shocking consequence their numbers have declined to dangerous levels. It seems like just yesterday they were in every suburb with their representatives proud and defiant of their appearance and lot in life. Recent studies have highlighted that their plight is at this very moment, desperate.

The name given to these socio-economic slackers varies. Bogans, bevans, westies, rednecks, white trash and chavs. The may wear different flannel, but all are descendants from the same tribe which can trace its roots back to the very begginings of society.

Nowadays they are rarely seen in inner city areas, their absence rarely noted. Ask yourself, when was the last time you saw a HQ panelvan with ACDC blaring out of it doing laps of your main street?

The decline of their species can be linked to the rapid urban renewal that has been forced upon many of their traditional habitats. In fact, the primary reason for their decline is strongly linked to a reduction in suitable habitat.

After an extensive study of remote bogan communities and a limited tag and release program, essential factors for their existence have been identified. It appears that in order for the bogan to survive, the following is necessary:

1. Substantial wrecking yards providing all panels and parts for 1971- 1979 Series Holden Kingswood and the VB-VN series of commodore.
2. VB cans. Not those bottled variety, the tend to injure each other with these and it rumoured that without the cans they do not get enough essential metal minerals in their diet.
3. Cheap housing with no plants in the front yard. Most bogans will keep a number of partially wrecked cars in their front yards, without this space they could not keep the torana going.
4. Free and ready supply of pluggers. The chosen footwear for the bogan has always been the rubber thong. Recent observations have noted that they have adapted to colder climates by wearing football socks with their beloved thongs.
5. A Centrelink. As most are employees of the state it is essential that a 'centrelink teller' is nearby.
6. Specialist hairdressing 'salons'. Contrary to popular belief a good mullet is hard to come by. Therefore specialists hairdressers (known as shazzas) are required to keep the top short and the back long. This assists with minor mechanical repairs to the Camira by stopping hair getting sucked into the fan belt.
7. A tattoo parlour. No self respecting bogan can survive their teens without becoming initiated with a few faded blue green splodges resembling either a sailors anchor, a dagger with a snake around it or a skull.

With protection of these basic essentials, I am certain that the decline of bogans in existing areas can be stopped. Next we have to encourage bogan culture back to areas where they are now extinct.

A number of Local Councils have started an initiative that has seen scores of boganfolk reappearing in my lovely suburb of Leichhardt. So next Council cleanup day, put as much broken furniture and rubbish on the footpath and sit back just out of view and wait for their return.

Pedophile or Serial Killer??

Every Sperm Is Sacred

Clownin Around

So clowns - funny or freaky? Personally I have always loathed them. If you have to go to all that effort to look funny, you obviously arent. And plus they are renowned for showing up in public places and heckling - I call it harrassment.

Well it appears that I am am not alone in my dislike for these unfunny theatrical creations. There is even a pyschological condition for people that are genuinely scared shitless of them - Coulrophobic.

Now I dont know whats worse - clowns or those that genuinely fear them. Whilst I dislike them, I do not fear them and have been kicking them in the shins since I was a youngster.

So what are your experiences with clowns? Like or dislike?

Minogue Vs Minogue Slug Fest

Today I would like to conduct a poll amongst my readers to determine precisely which Minogue sister is hotter. It has been a question that has plagued many and I intend to resolve once and for all by putting it to the people to decide.

So who is hotter?

OR

Kylie???

Now be honest, hotness only and not singing ability. Cos we all know that Kylie wins that hands down.

State of the Origin

State of origin has always been about where you were born and the pride you take in it. Queensland have always been the underdogs ($3.50 - 1 last night) but it appears last night we hit paydirt. And I hit apology paydirt from Chesty. If you could call it that.

The Leaders are the sun of the nation and mankind

Oh great leader I salute you as the sun of the nation and of mankind. Just as your national website suggests you are the sunshine of my love and a fashion icon, the likes of never seen since the capitalist whoring of Che's image.

Lets start with the eraserhead style haircut you are sporting. How it frames you round face and makes you look taller than the shortass that you really are. But why worry if you look like a douchebag with that do? Just force everyone else to get the same one.

That in combo with those platform shoes and the constant missile firing it is obvious you are far too manly to play soccer.

And what is that outfit you are constantly sporting? I can only really describe it as a kitsch maoist era leisure suit. Perfect for relaxing with a brandy or committing genocide amongst your people.

Ladies, Kim is quite clearly a catch. He is rumoured to already have sired a multitude of illegitemate children. So hands up girls, who finds him sexy?

Soccer is a Girly Sport

Your honour, the prosecution rests........